How Lucky Am I to Have Loved?
To have a beautifully cracked open heart is to first have a broken one.
Over and over again... I have crept up to a weathering edge and plunged into the swallowing waves of love. Head first, no safety precautions, just the belief that love was waiting for me somewhere out there. And, each time I’ve allowed it to wash me away into its wonder. I used to believe it was a curse; never finding the “one” true love of my life but continuously loving. Putting myself out there time and time again to fall hard, even after what feels like excruciating heartache; and yet, with courage I’ve scrounged hope together and allowed myself to let love in. Even if it is but a moment–it always felt like something worth having.
When love meets its end and the dust settles, the proverbial other side randomly appears to you. You realize one day that you can breathe again without a second thought of the other person. One day their image doesn’t headline in your mind with every fleeting memory. You stop stalking their texts and social media. There isn’t a timeline on this occurrence; that moment slowly slips its way into your norm and you’re free.
I remember wishing for a fast forward button through grief; for the pit in my stomach to soften with a sense of relief; for there to be an ejection button on the experience of heartbreak. Unfortunately, and fortunately, it does not work like that. The journey through grief is one that inevitably leads you back to yourself, if you let it. It asks you to stare deep into the wounds you’ve carried well beyond their welcome and reckon with yourself.
What did loving and being loved by them mean for you? What did it teach you? Aside from the ache of heartbreak, what feelings about yourself should you examine? Obviously it’s nuanced and complex and weird but as a perpetual lover girl, I can tell you it helps heal you a little more each time. Every time I’ve cracked my heart open to experience something new, it was first a closed broken heart. And each time I’ve realized how lucky that experience is alone; to transform through pain and not run from it. How lucky am I to have loved so deeply that I am called to love myself more and more?
Today I have a something new to offer.
when love visits you in the forgotten place
let it lean against your window
like dew dribbling down the pane
let it learn how you held your walls together
and gently peek into your soul
welcome the flicker of sun into old rooms
let it shine against dusty remains
like a beacon of guiding light
let it reveal joy left lingering in stale air
let it be bold and fill new space
with whispers of fresh beginnings
like spuds at the first sign of Spring
let it bloom with sweet nothings
when love visits you
let it settle in
unpack
and let it stay…
